In the UK dogs bring people together; in the US they hold people together.

Dogs in the UK and the US have similar, but different roles. In the UK dogs bring people together; in the US they hold people together.

Dogs in the UK:

Dogs in the UK are typically bought once a family unit has been established. This study of UK dog ownership concluded that dogs are most likely to be owned by families with children in the 6-19 age bracket.  The dogs function? To give parents an excuse to talk to their children: once kids reach a certain age they find it hard to speak to their parents without the conversation serving being transactional. And parents, acutely aware that they are becoming more and more of a commodity every, day buy a dog.

Everyone loves the family dog and the furry friend becomes a mediator between awkward teenagers and weary adults. When the conversation runs dry the family dog can always be relied upon to bundle into the room and roll on the carpet, a distraction from the fact that the family has absolutely nothing to say to one another.

Dogs in the US:

The mean dog-purchase age in the US seems to be much lower and in cities such as Washington DC young men and women, who can’t be over the age of 28, parade up and down the streets each morning poop-a-scooping and patting. When I first came across the dog parks and the poodle parlors I couldn’t understand why anyone so young would want need a dog – after all they have no families that they need to patch together. But then I realized that these young people are using their dogs in a different way: they are using their dogs to hold their ‘sleves’ together.  Or as this study says:

“There has been a notable change in family structure in contemporary American society in which individuals are adopting dogs to fulfill their sense of having a “family.”

In cities like DC the population is so young that family units haven’t been established yet, and the States is so huge that parents aren’t just a 3 hour train journey away like they are in the UK. On top of this the friends you make in a city like DC are like sand, month by month they slip through your hands on their way to the next city or job. And in such a transient city the responsibility that comes with a pooch is what you need to tie you together. 

This is just what they drive out here: the earth doesn't matter if you look cool

Global warming, pah! If you have a cool car what does it matter if the earth gets a few degrees hotter?

The other thing I have noticed about the States is the coffee cups: even if you are sitting down in the cafe, a paper cup is handed over. You simply chug your coffee - and chuck your cup. Easy. 

I know the UK is certainly not an example of how to be eco-conscious, but I've found adapting to the chug and chuck approach pretty unsettling. Of course, there are a load of scheme for bringing your cups back to the store, but that means you are tied to one (typically large) chain of coffee stores. And that brings about it's own issues. 

How the Americans do small-talk, and how the Brits talk about the weather (unless, of course, we’re drunk)

British Small talk:

The Brits are awkward. If you watch us in any social situation you’ll see this see-saw of emotions in action: careering from manic laughter, to silent feet shuffling, and back to that laughter (unless of course we’re drunk).

 

Perhaps the reason we don’t act in a way that would actually endear us to the other person is because then we’d have to move past the acquaintance tag and into the realm of friend. Actual friendship can mean only the one thing: talking about emotions. And this is best avoided at all costs (unless of course we’re drunk).

If you are a true Brit you will have developed astute defense mechanisms which will help you to avoid talking about emotions.  The first defense mechanism is simply to your keep eyes down and suffer the awkward silence. The second defense mechanism is to produce a ridiculous slapstick routine to divert attention. But both of these are high-energy strategies and, so you can see, actual friendship is certainly not something to casually fall into (unless of course we’re drunk).

A much more energy efficient way of avoiding emotions is to avoid making too many actual friends in the first place, and this can be easily achieved through terrible small talk. British small talk is so terrible for 2 reasons:

1. We never want to impose: This means that we never go beyond the usual suspects of conversation (namely the weather). This has the benefit of ensuring we are so dull that no one ever comes back for a repeat conversation. 
2. We don’t know how to terminate a conversation:  Because we (inevitably) stick to the rules of the spoken exchange, our chit chat can only ever go on so long. After all there are a finite number of weather conditions in Britain: sunshine with rainshowers, overcast with rainshowers, rainshowers, and rain. We drag out conversations until their death –using any prop that comes to hand as the next topic of conversation - never wanting to be the terribly rude person that calls it a day.

  

American small talk:

The Americans , on the other hand, know how to do small talk. And they are so very good as small talk for all the reasons that we are so very terrible

1. They don’t care about over-stepping the mark: The Americans have a reputation for being a little over-bearing (to avoid the extreme overbearing American I sometimes don’t just keep my eyes rooted to the ground, but actually close my eyes  mid-conversation and pretend to be asleep).  Surprisingly, the American’s lack of regard for personal space can be quite wonderful:  last week I met an old lady on a plane and ended up discussing the intimate details of a liaison with a gentleman friend, and I’ve told a barista in a coffee shop about period pains. Who knew talking about something other than the weather would be so liberating?
2. They are happy to walk away: The Americans understand the point of small talk: they recognise that once they have got all they want from the conversation there is no need to stick around. You’ll see them graciously step away before the conversation falls to its bony knees. This bullish approach offends our romantic British minds - we hate to admit that we are using another human as a play-thing to help pass the time. Which means that instead of stepping away, us Brits hang around and make our conversation partner feel awkward instead.

I think we Brits could learn a lot from the Americans on the art of small talk. 

How the Brits lost their power, and how the Yanks gained a collective ego.

Yesterday was the 4^th July.  Today is the hotdog hangover. Both days are a big deal for American’s. 

In British schools we don’t really get taught all too much (truth?) about the Empire - I never really learnt they story of how we rampaged about the globe shouting “mine! mine!” Instead, the history I remember was filled with brave heroes and explorers who had to occasionally get their hands a bit dirty (although they probably didn’t want to).

But not every nation shares the same collective memory of the Empire, apparently. And whilst we simply keep our eyes down and quickly sweep any past misdemeanors under the carpet (it’s the efficient British way of dealing with the important stuff) the Americans celebrate by eating lots of hotdogs, chest-beating and watching this: 

But for every American that has called me a lobster back I have come across at least two self-conscious Americans who believe their country to be full of ignorants.  I don’t really know if I want to admit that (despite the accent) I’m just as ignorant - until yesterday I’d never bothered to find out any more about Independence Day that what I learnt from Will Smith in 1996.

Naturally I’ve not admitted any of this to the self-conscious Americans– we Brits might have lost control of America, but I’d hate to lose all social power over them.   

America 2049: you change America...before it changes you

What kind of country have I found myself in?

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How a Brit should tell jokes in the US of A

Making people laugh has a good effect on the Joke-teller. It validates their existence, and affirms that that people might think they are entertaining (ergo worth getting to know).

Arriving in the States it was a very real concern that I didn’t exist (if you have no mates to worry about you – are you really there?) and that I might not be worth getting to know. I needed to prove that I did both exist, and that I might be worth getting to know. So I tried telling a few stories.  Just little anecdotes intended to raise a smile. 

One of the first anecdotes I shared was with Courtney (who had very bouncy blonde hair) and Whitney (who had very lovely straight teeth). It started well: they nodded along and punctuated the story with eyebrow flashes in all the right places. But as the story concluded, I slipped in a swearword or two.

Whitney’s teeth disappeared behind tight lips and Coutney’s hair fell flat. So did my hopes of confirming that I did exist and that I might just be worth getting to know. 

But I needn’t have worried -  last night I found the formula! To raise a laugh (and prove you exist / that you might be worth getting to know) all you need in America are a few choice words, a British accent and some patience. At a party in the small hours of this morning I spent upwards of 45minutes repeating the phrases “I live in a flat,” “may I have some water?” and “where is your loo?”

I don’t think I have ever felt funnier. 

How the Brits queue and how the Americans stand in line

The word ‘queue’ implies a purpose, an order and a system. The Brits know how to queue. 

But, the American’s don’t queue. The Americans stand in line.

The British queue:

Every morning in Great Britain, at any bus stop in any town, you will see the perfect queuing system in action. The very best thing about the British queue is that there doesn’t have to be a line in order for us to stick to the rules of the game.

We arrive at the bus stop and we loiter. We don’t make eye contact with one another (paralysed by the fear that we might intrude into someone else’s space). We find the same spot that we stand in every single morning, and until the bus arrives the only movement we make is to shift from one foot to the other. To an outsider this is group of people have no system: they’re just standing about, waiting.

What the outsider won’t have realised is that every time a Brit joins the waiting game they will have clocked their position: a mental note of their space and their arrival time is taken, and then the waiting begins. Hands in pockets, fingers tapping phone keys, eyes always down.

When the bus arrives that’s when it flows Archers as a 15 year olds birthday party. The queuing Brits will step from their spots in perfect synchronisation towards the bus doors. We’ll move in a quiet and orderly fashion – eyes down. Every last person at the bus stop will get on in the right order, in the order that they arrived at the bus stop. Because that’s fair.

The American line:

Standing in line is the best way to describe what happened the first time I caught the Arcella express from Washington DC to New York Penn station.

32 minutes before the train was due to leave I arrived at the gate, a twisting line of people curved around the seating area and onto the main station concourse. I felt at home – a queue! I joined the back of the somber conga line and did what us Brits do best: I waited, eyes down. 17 minutes passed and the train was ready to board. My sense of what a fair queue meant lead me to believe those at the front of this line should get through the ticket barrier first, that’s why we had been standing in this line – to create an order.

And that’s when I realized that the American’s don’t queue, they stand in line. The single conga line split into 3 tributaries and we filed past the train guard with no regard for my 17 minutes standing in line: people who had been sat in the waiting area suddenly jumped up and cut to the front, quickly slipping past the gates leaving their fellow Americans who had at least attempted a line all tried to find their own path past the obstructive train guard.